“I’m not your bitch, bitch!” squealed the flight attendant, hands on hips, after he was slapped across the face.

Alright, fine, so the flight attendant didn’t actually say that. To be honest, I’m not even sure what the flight attendant said, but I’m not your bitch, bitch would have been good, while slapping that passenger right back!

Relax, people, it’s just a fantasy. I’d never slap a passenger. Ever. Unless of course a passenger asked, as in literally asked, for a slap. And even then I’m not so sure I could do it. You see when I’m on the job, I work hard, and I actually smile while I’m working hard, doing my best to avoid conflict and confrontation. It’s not easy. Especially in this day and age. Did you know passengers are now slapping flight attendants? For real. I wouldn’t joke about something so serious. This morning, right before my computer crashed, I happened to see a little blurb on Yahoo news about a passenger slapping a flight attendant on a flight from London to Boston. Or maybe it was from Paris to New York? I can’t remember. But when I finally got my computer up and running, three hours later, I couldn’t find the article. Anywhere! And I searched and I searched and I searched. Man, I wish I’d read that article when I had the chance. I’d like to know what happened. I’d also like to know my friend John wasn’t the recipient of that slap. And if he was, I need to know if he slapped back. And can someone please tell me why that article disappeared into thin air, as if it never existed? Seriously, something very strange is going on.

That’s not the only peculiar thing going on. Oh no, there’s more. I’m number 5 of 50 flight attendants to be called out on reserve today. So while I wait for the phone to ring, sitting on the red couch, bleeching my teeth, and watching bad TV, I keep seeing that commercial on Bravo where the reality TV guy shrieks, I’m not your bitch, bitch. I don’t know why, but that makes me laugh – every single time. After I finally stop laughing, I find myself repeating the phrase, which is now my new favorite phrase. Oh I know it’s not very nice, but trust me, it would have been the perfect response to the guy seated in 33B who threw a hissy fit because he had to sit in the last row on my flight to New Orleans. Poor baby. But the flight was full. Hey, someone has to sit there! Why not the bitch, bitch?

See, I can’t stop! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I’ve got tourettes or something. It’s not my fault, though. If there weren’t so many people on reserve this month, I wouldn’t be watching so much bad TV, and if I weren’t watching so much bad TV, I wouldn’t keep seeing the I’m not your bitch, bitch guy. I love that guy. I’m also loving reserve this month.

Where exactly am I going with this post? Good question. Because I’m not exactly sure. So I’ll just end with traveling tip #1. Do not, I repeat, do not slap your flight attendant! I don’t care if we run out of chicken or if you’re sitting in the last row, because unless you want to go to jail, you can NOT slap the flight attendant. Except on the butt. Only if you’re hot. Late night in my dreams.

Hey, flight attendants have fantasies, too, ya know!

***UPDATE***

One of my cool passengers, The Lawyer Chick, was kind enough to email me a link to THE ARTICLE I mentioned above.