How To Make Love Like A Pilot

While I was in Dallas, I hit Barnes and Nobles to pick up a couple books on Italy. Venice, Lake Como, The Amalfi Coast, Portofino, I still can’t decide where to go, but where ever it is we (the husband and I) go, we’re going in May. So while I sat on the floor pulling out just about every book I could find, I started talking to a guy named Bob. Bob was cute. Bob was funny. REALLY FUNNY. And Bob dressed well. Even my mother noticed all of these fantastic traits about Bob. With all that going for Bob, I was a bit surprised to find out what Bob did for a living. Bob, believe it or not, is a pilot. In case you didn’t know, while some pilots may be cute, most are not funny, nor do they know how to dress. Have you ever seen a pilot’s layover outfit? Anyway, to make a long story short, I told Bob about my blog and then we exchanged email addresses. Well Bob, I’m happy to report, visited my blog, and then sent me a very funny email that I’d like to share with you. It’s just too funny not to share.

So I started reading your blog. My first thought was: “She ought to be a writer!” As I read futher, I realised you were! So I read the first chapter of your book. Very good. Even better than Sex in the City…………which apparently you character had. [My wife makes me watch that show…..sometimes I admit to liking it….but don’t tell anyone.]

I love your latest blurb about Jenna Jamison’s book, “How to Make Love Like a Porn Star.” Did you know I am writing a book? It is called: “How to Make Love Like a Pilot.” The book is only 3 pages long. The first page and a half are me bragging about how good I am. Then there are two sentances about making love. Then the last page and a half consist of me profusely apologizing and making excuses for the sex lasting only two sentances.

But as all good pilots say: Enough about you…………..lets talk about me! Also, I write songs. Most of my songs make fun of (insert airline here) I’ve recorded a few of them on Garage Band. Some of the title are:

The Lead FA is a centerfold
Not takin care of business
Pilot Rest Seat Lap Dance
Management is Beautiful
There’s not enough liquor in the world to drink you pretty
She thinks my airplane is sexy
etc etc…

I think I have about 65 titles now. So enough about me, lets talk about you again. What do you think of me? Just kidding.

What do I think of you, Bob? Umm…well…that’s easy. I love you, Bob! (And so does my mother.) Even though you’re a pilot. I mean you’re just way too funny not to love. I even love writing your name. BOB! The name alone makes me smile. And apparently humor runs in the family of Bob, because Bob’s brother is kind of famous, I think. Check out the brother’s book, Mortified: real words, real people, real pathetic. Okay, enough about the brother and back to Barnes and Nobles where I left Bob, who should have his own comedy show, standing in the aisle doing a little travel research of his own. I can’t remember where he was going, but he was standing in the Greece and Italy section and he planned on going by boat. Bob, who is a pilot, is also a sailor. When I asked him if he could send me a little information about sailing, he sent a link to Moorings. They rent boats all over the world. In fact, he did a rental out of Nice and cruised to Cannes, St. Tropez, and Monte Carlo. Boy his life sucks. Even so, I love Bob. I really do. I even love writing his name. Bob.