1. People watch. Better yet, get to know one of the people you’ve been watching. Then, if you’re feeling kinda ballsy, go for it! Get a date. Seriously, what better place to meet the person of your dreams than at the airport. Walk around, linger at the gate, and when you find that perfect someone, use the flight cancellation as an ice breaker, and then head on over to the food court for a coffee date. Take it a step further and try speed dating.
2. Eat. Don’t you know that calories don’t count at the airport. What do you mean there’s no place to sit? Have a picnic. Find a place on the floor and enjoy. Make it romantic by bringing along a date, the one you picked up at the gate.
3. Call your mother. You’ve FINALLY got the time. Or better yet, call someone else’s mother, like my mother. Why not go through your entire phone list and call every single person you know. Make a few prank calls while you’re at it. Feel funny calling a certain someone, delete that number! Seriously, it’s time.
4. Read. Buy a magazine (Or two. Or three) and catch up on celebrity gossip, new recipes, ways to organize your life, the latest international news, or what about discovering something entirely new? Or how about a book? May I suggest Eat Pray Love? Not only will it pass the time, it may even inspire you to change your life. Pillars of the Earth is not only a good read, but a long one, which will keep you busy for days and days and days, and let’s face it, it could be days until you’re finally out of there, so go ahead, prop those feet up on the luggage and get lost in a book.
5. Just buy it already! That pricey electronic device you’ve always wanted, but weren’t quite sure if it was really worth it. You know exactly what I’m talking about – those Bose noise cancellation headsets (so you don’t have to talk to the one lingering around the gate, checking you out), or an electronic book reader like the Kindle (so you don’t have to buy all those magazines and that big heavy book), or how about the ipod that plays movies (so you can stop looking over your neighbor’s shoulder). I mean don’t you wish you had it now? There’s a Brookstone, I’m sure, just around the corner.
6. Get your shoes shined. It’ll not only make you look better, but it will also make you feel better.
7. Be a perv. Get frisked. A couple times. Go back and forth through security and when they look at you funny, grin mischievously, and say they missed a spot.
8. When someone is paged over the airport intercom, drop everything, put your hands over you ears, and cry out, “I’m hearing voices again!” Or try pretending you’re the someone they paged, every single time someone is paged. See if they notice.
9. Bother the Agent. Get up and mimic the agent when he/she makes an announcement. Constantly ask “When are we going to leave? Can’t we just get a new airplane?” Make sure to use the word ridiculous when asking a question.
10. Play a game. How about what’s in your bag? Try and guess what people pack. Winner gets a free snack at the food court.
11. Work Out. Use the moving sidewalk like a treadmill, or the escalator as a stair stepper. Put on your shorts, wear a sweatband, and listen to your ipod. No shorts? Go borrow some. Rifle through a couple of those bags nearby . No ipod? Go back and read number 5!
12. Bored? See if you can steal your neighbor’s food when they’re not looking. Bonus points if you can snag their drink too.
13. Take a ride. Find a wheelchair and get rolling. Wrap a luggage tag around your arm and ride the baggage claim conveyor belt for a few minutes, then have your travel companion arrive with a luggage cart, pick you up, load you on, and roll you away. Don’t come back. Take the bus.
14. Get to know the bartender. REAL WELL.
15. Stare blankly into space. See how long you can go without blinking. Have a staring contest with your neighbor. Don’t tell the neighbor. Practice breathing. Swallowing. Sleeping.
16. Plan Your Life. Get out a notebook and make lists of things you want to do. Or not do. Add travel to your list of what not to do.
Yeah, that's me, the one standing in the aisle wearing flammable polyester...