IF THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES WERE REALLY FLIGHT ATTENDANTS…

There’s nothing like waking up in the morning, looking around the crash pad and realizing that I really am at home, in my very own bed, not laying over in a dumpy airport hotel, nor on an airplane surrounded by miserably cramped passengers. You may be inclined to think flight attendants have a lot in common, considering we chose to wear a navy blue monkey suit while picking up trash at 35,000 feet for a living, but there are many things that set us apart. Take reserve flight attendants, for example. There are those who prefer to fly so much they max out their hours as quickly as possible, and then there are those, like me, who do whatever it takes to not fly. The problem with not flying is there’s not much one can really do to get out of flying, on reserve, but pray. Even so, I’ve been praying, been doing a whole heck of a lot of praying these last few days.

Things aren’t much different when it comes to line holding flight attendants. Some prefer morning flights, while others choose afternoon departures, and still there are those who actually bid to work the red eyes. We’re talking ALL NIGHT, people! Then there are the aircraft positions, because you’re either a galley or an aisle, but whatever you are, you can’t be both since they’re two totally different jobs for two totally different personality types. Turns, two days, or three day trips, we’ve got em all. There are even high time, low time, and no time flyers. It’s up to the flight attendant to decide. Oh and don’t forget about layover cities – domestic AND international choices. Me, I enjoy working the aisle on a two day, late departure, to Los Angeles.

Being on reserve this month has left me with a whole lot of time on my hands. Thank god! And what I’ve been doing with that time is watching TV, lots and lots of TV, television shows I didn’t even know existed. Needless to say, it’s been great. One thing I’ve been following, besides American Idol, Millionaire Matchmaker, and just about every single show on HGTV, is the presidential debates. Yeah, my mind isn’t complete mush. At least not yet. Of course all the different presidential campaign candidates got me thinking about all the different personalities on my job, and while I sat on the red couch watching CNN, I actually began to wonder, what would they fly if they were flight attendants…

ROMNEY – First class lead on a widebody, flying high time three day trips to Europe or South America in order to get in as many hours as quickly as possible, therefore spending more time at home with his family. He’s in charge and his service is tailored to perfection, much like his impeccable navy blue uniform. His good nature and even temper allows him to get along with not only passengers AND crew, but also pilots. Not an easy feat.

OBAMA – Business class galley on domestic flights, preferably the long New York layover. He doesn’t enjoy dealing with unruly passengers, or flight attendant drama, unless he has to, so he works in the galley where he keeps to himself, constantly organizing and reorganizing. Because of all his hard work the service is smooth and professional. While polite, he’s also distant, sitting on the first class jump seat after the meal service is over studying for a pilot exam.

MCCAIN – Main cabin and ONLY main cabin on flights to San Diego where the layover hotel has a pretty good gym, a decent coffee shop, and a sports bar where he can catch the latest scores. On the flight, he’s known to make sure that all luggage is under the seat in front of you, COMPLETELY under the seat in front of you, and if it’s not under the seat in front of you, get ready to be issued a written warning from the Captain or thrown off the aircraft by the agent. A no nonsense kind of guy, this is his second career after 30 years of working nine of to five. Stern, controlled and hot headed, he always gets the job done in record time. He’s the flight attendant you’d want on a trip when a passenger acts up. And they always act up.

HILLARY – First class galley where she rules the lead flight attendant with an iron fist. Layover cities are unimportant to her, as long as she has a crowd to address. As an airline union representative, she always makes it a point to spread union information regarding contract talks and new updates to her fellow coworkers. She’s married to the Chief Pilot and has plans to run for Union president in the upcoming election. Though she doesn’t always get along with her female coworkers, she has managed to gain some respect.

GUILIANI – President of the flight attendant union. Because he’s hard working, hands on, not afraid to stand up to the company, and really does return phone calls, flight attendants actually like him, and enjoy working with him. He always knows where the best Italian restaurants are located in every city and he’s not afraid to spring for the check.

EDWARDS – Coach aisle on a domestic flight, most likely to Los Angeles or San Francisco. He has a tendency to bid the same route and position in order to surround himself with familiar people. Layover cities really don’t matter, as long as he’s working with a good crew and there’s a trendy salon near the layover hotel , even though he doesn’t always stay at the layover hotel, not when he has friends in the area. Diffusing any situation that arises on the aircraft with nothing but a winning smile is his gift. Though passengers adore him, flight attendants don’t always want to work the cart with him due to the fact he’s way too busy chit chatting away with passengers, not getting the service done. Unlike most flight attendants, he actually enjoys working the cart with McCain.

flight attendant Hillary Clinton John Edwards John McCain Mitt Romney Obama Presidential Nominee Reality TV

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Heather Poole View All →

Yeah, that's me, the one standing in the aisle wearing flammable polyester...

2 Comments Leave a comment

  1. You ARE a writer and a clever writer at that!

    I throughly enjoyed this blog! Comparing presidential candidates to Flight Attendants is genius because they way you’ve outlined the essay -the public, in general, will understand the metaphor.

    Awesome write!

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