I flew more hours this month than I have in years, but for some reason I didn’t meet any interesting, or talkative, passengers. Normally when I hold a line, I work from New York to the west coast, which is usually about five and a half hours – give or take. With that long of a flight, there’s plenty of time to get to know the passengers traveling in my cabin. But this month I flew reserve, flying little hops here and there, working all over the damn place. I don’t know if it was the S80 or what, but whatever it was, I didn’t meet anyone. Okay, so I did meet a very nice investment banker from Toronto on a flight from New York to Miami, but I’m setting him up with one of my flight attendant friends. I don’t want to scare him off with the the interview questions. That might be too much for the guy. So now I have no choice but to shake things up a bit. The passenger of the month this month is not quite a passenger, but he is a traveler nonetheless, so if you haven’t already guessed…Meet Bob, THE PILOT – Again!

NAME? BOB THE PILOT, no relation to Bob the Builder. International man of mystery pilot, on board food and movie critic

MILES FLOWN? One million billion

LAST FLIGHT? Yesterday, stuck in tiny cockpit jumpseat commuting home

CHECK IT OR CARRY IT ON? Check it, unless I’m in uniform, then I carry it down to the baggage hold myself

WINDOW OR AISLE? Window. WOW, the people down there look like ants!

SOMETHING TO DRINK? Not right now, I’ll wait until you are really busy.

BEEF OR CHICKEN? Whichever is less drippy. Did you know you can boil a pilot’s tie to make soup?

SO…WHAT EXACTLY IS IN YOUR CARRY-ON BAG? Not more than 3ozs of toothpaste. Take that Osama! Now you can’t blow up the plane with my Crest. Good job TSA!

ANY PACKING TIPS/TRICKS? Take a “ho-bag.” [Small bag with extra underwear, socks and shirt, and essential things like passport, medicine, toiletries, ID, money, and I-pod.] That way, if your luggage is lost, you won’t be all crusty the next day.

DESCRIBE YOUR TRAVELING OUTFIT. Uniform. You can get away with all sorts of things if you are in uniform.

SHOES TO WEAR THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY. Nothing with metal…..like fuzzy bunny slippers. But it doesn’t matter, I always set off the metal detector. Then I tell the TSA: “Sorry about that, must have been my brass balls!……[they scowl]……”OK, OK, it was golden personality”…….[still scowling]………”All right, it was my sterling character.”……….[they motion for supervisor]……..”all right, it was really my nerves of steel”…………..[“MALE ASSIST LINE THREE.”]

ANY AIRPORT ROUTINES? I would have a routine if the government would quit changing the rules every 3 hours.

BEST AIRLINE OR TRAVELING EXPERIENCE? Whoever lets me on their flights for free to commute.

NICEST AIRPORT? AUS – Austin. Due to it’s food, scantily clad young lady passengers milling about, and live music.

FAVORITE AIRPORT RESTAURANT? I love the Salt Lick BBQ in Austin. Yum! Best BBQ in USA. For real! Their red BBQ sauce [which inevitably drips on my shirt because I’m not paying attention due to ogling all the young women] matches the red accents on my pilot wings. And Amy’s Ice Cream is right next door.

HOTEL AWAY FROM HOME? Commuter hotel is the Westin Airport, it’s so worth the extra money. Nice beds, clean rooms, and the hotel staff does not have extra or missing chromosome or come from family trees which do not fork. And it is not located on the corner of Crips Blvd and Bloods Ave.

FAVORITE IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT? Mine: “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to La Guardia. We are going to stip here for a minute, shit down the engines, and get towed into the gate. Please remain seated until we reach the gate and the seat belt sign is turned off……. At which point you may then jump up and clamor all over each other in an attempt to get ahead of the next guy.

BOOK LAST READ ON A FLIGHT? Boeing 757 checklist.

NOW FINISH THE FOLLOWING SENTENCES:

I CAN’T FLY WITHOUT MY… Pants?

ON MY LAST FLIGHT… We had a senior management guy in my jumpseat and we drilled him for 4 hours.

THIS PASSENGER I SAT NEXT TO… Kept farting…..all the way from Atlanta to Amsterdam. Where do you flight attendants keep the corks from empty wine bottles?

I HAD THIS ONE FLIGHT… Where I shoved a cork up this guys ass.

IF I COULD BE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, I’D … Be delayed? No really, right now, I’d be in Greece driving a sailboat, island hopping, visiting ancient sites, drinking at tavernas, dining in cozy cafes, throwing plates into the fireplace! Oh wait, that’s where I’ll be next week! DINKS of the world, UNITE!……[that’s Dual Income No Kids people]

WHEN IT COMES TO TRAVELING I WISH… I was always in first class

WHY ARE/DO FLIGHT ATTENDANTS? look so friggin hot and sexy! Bom chicka wah wah!

NEXT FLIGHT? Costa Rica (Work work work!)

SO, BOB, YOU MENTIONED IN AN EARLIER POST THAT YOU WROTE A FEW SONGS. CARE TO SHARE THE LYRICS TO ONE OF THOSE SONGS? (Scroll down to hear Bob sing the song himself)

Trying to sleep on 1st break
All I hear are clanging plates
Slamming of the galley carts
From the bathroom there’s the sound of farts

She goes stomping up and down the aisle
So hard that it shakes my seat
If she’d slow down and be quieter
The passengers have time to eat

But it’s her pilot rest seat lap dance that’s keeping me up
With her big ol’ international badonkadonk butt
A curtain waving wide ride rubbing my side
I’d like to get some sleep before it’s my turn to fly

If I bid the triple seven
In it’s bunk room I could get some sleep
But I don’t want to layover in
Seoul or Dubai all damn week

But it’s her pilot rest seat lap dance that’s keeping me up
With her big ol’ international badonkadonk butt
A curtain waving wide ride rubbing my side
I’d like to get some sleep before it’s my turn to fly

The crew rest module should be
installed in the entire fleet
The benefits of safety will be
Well worth one less business seat

But it’s her pilot rest seat lap dance that’s keeping me up
With her big ol’ international badonkadonk butt
A curtain waving wide ride rubbing my side
I’d like to get some sleep before it’s my turn to fly

But it’s her pilot rest seat lap dance that’s keeping me up
With her big ol’ international badonkadonk butt
A curtain waving wide ride rubbing my side
I guess I won’t be alert when it’s my turn to fly

To actually hear Bob sing the above song, and a few others, in a very deep voice – a surprisingly deep voice – CLICK HERE to visit Bob’s myspace page! Oh come on, don’t be scared. Just do it already! You’ll be glad you did.