An Ode to B-cups

An excerpt of my essay, An Ode to B-cups,  featured in the anthology Best Women’s Travel Writing 2010:  True stories from around the world….

Life is about the choices we make.  It’s also about taking responsibility for those choices.  Even the bad ones.  Like working for a low-cost airline called Sun Jet International that’s based in Dallas and never flies overseas.  But that’s another story.  This one is about ramifications.

Enter Passenger 22B.  I’m working a morning flight from Los Angeles to New York, but somehow I missed him during the boarding process. That’s insane, considering that he’s the kind of guy who makes heads spin like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Tall. Tan. Decked out in a dark pressed suit with black wing-tip shoes. It’s not until my coworker and I push our 150-pound cart six rows back and I place a napkin on his tray table that I finally see him. “Would you care for something to –”

As soon as we lock eyes, I can no longer speak. I forget where I am.  Who I am. Why I am.  I can only swallow and, after the shock wears off, blink.

“Hello,” he says. The Dutch accent just about kills me.

“I’m sorry.  Let me try that again,” I say with a nervous laugh. “Would you care for something to drink?”

He flashes a movie star smile.  “Please, Coke Light,” he says, only it sounds more like Co-kah Light. Adorable! 

That’s when I do what any straight single girl in her mid-twenties would do: freeze. I stand there in the aisle wearing navy blue polyester, staring him down like an idiot.  Then I do what my mother would: check for a ring.  Nope: no wedding band, not even a tan line.  Yet he’s so far out of my league, it’s not even funny.  Trust me, I know my man equivalent, and he’s not it. 

I shake myself out of it and smile my first-and business-class smile.  I try to think of something to say, something witty but with an edge, something that could lead to an interesting conversation, like one about dating. 

“Co-kah light?”

He nods, which is my cue to shove the plastic scoop into the drawer of ice.  I glance across the cart at my overly Botoxed coworker. His dropped jaw and wide eyes scream “Gurrrrl! Oh…My…God.”

Oh my God is right: my gay competition is now drooling all over his pin-striped apron.  I shoot him the evil eye. He’s mine, I mouth. 

Whatever, he mouths back, pursing his lips and striking a pose. Even though I have no shot –zero, zilch—I’m feeling defensive. What is Botox doing, standing there licking his lips? He’s practically humping the cart. “Do you have any Diet Coke on your side?” I ask.

“Of course, doll, anything for him,” he purrs, handing me a silver can.  Then he leans over the Styrofoam cups and whispers: “Make sure to give him extra pretzels.”

Which is exactly what I do.  I place a can of soda and four bags of pretzels on his tray table without saying a word.  Then I do what any straight single girl who is also a flight attendant would do: move on to the next passenger.

I’ve seen enough TV to know that doctors date nurses, lawyers date court reporters, and the one in the corner office with the amazing view dates the one pouring the coffee.  So what’s the big deal if I date passengers? Where else am I going to meet men—lots and lots of men—who don’t ask me to smile when I don’t feel like smiling because I’d rather slap them across the face for feeding me the same line they gave the girl at the bar?

Here at 30,000 feet, that doesn’t happen. I get the chance to know men, really know men, and they are completely unaware of it.  Because I am in control of their comfort and safety, I see them at their most vulnerable, and some men can’t do vulnerable without being a jerk.  I wouldn’t date a jerk on land, so I don’t extend any more than professional courtesy when a jerk is in my airspace…..

Want more?  Go buy the book!  Please.

Uncategorized

Advertisements

Heather Poole View All →

Yeah, that's me, the one standing in the aisle wearing flammable polyester...

19 Comments Leave a comment

    • I know I would enjoy the book, even if Ralph doesn’t. Frankly, it would not appeal to my husband either, but for me who loves to travel (and will travel alone) it sounds enticing.

  1. Why do ppl feel the need to ‘down’ other’s opinions? @ Ralph….do you baby! If you don’t like it…don’t read it. It was OK, but wouldn’t make me run and buy the book…and i’m NOT a douche!!!! @ Lindsay, learn to let other’s say what they feel without being a e-bully!

  2. This sounds like the ‘desired’ book we should be issued in our ‘Map Bags’ [Rand McNally Map, version 8, camera & safety equipment]

    Equipment required for performing my current job as a Metro Access Operator. Transporting ADA clients in Washington, DC. It’s not Hawaii, – there are no rainbows!!

    It is ‘travel’ after all, each trip;

    I meet some truly interesting people, see parts of American history I never would have known about if it were not for this job.
    I thoroughly enjoy what I do – despite the non-drivng NASCAR drivers of the Capitol/Metro area.
    No mention of the Blizzard of 2010-lol.

    [#1 on mis peggys list of interesting people, World War II veteran, who on meeting you would think was no more than 50!]

    Those moments spent @ car parks, between trips, would be relished, not whined about each evening.

    Wishing a winner 😉

    mis peggy

  3. How much does that carry-on bag weigh ? Less than 15K ? Where is the extended battery for your laptop? Several international airlines weigh carry-ons now. Some flights is is 7K. 3 bathing suits ? what ever for ? are you swimming 3 times a day and do not want to put on a wet suit ? Have you got a back pack instead of a purse ? What’s in it ? Where is the book or ebook reader ?

    • 1. Don’t know. 2. I do not travel with an extended battery. When it runs out it runs out. 3. 2 NOT 3 bathing suits and why not? 4. Backpack – yes. Purse – usually a tote wadded up in the backpack. 5. Whatever I put in it. 6. Book is in the backpack.

  4. I’m going to have to check that book out, Heather. Congratulations for publishing your essay, and thanks for writing your blog. It’s both informative and funny.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: